Taking the time to write...

It's a quiet evening at home. Just my sister and I. Since my brain is quite full of information and needing a break, I have decided to come outside and watch the sunset...and see if there are some words worth writing. Yes, it's been awhile since I've taken time to write down thoughts. These days have probably been worth journaling, but regrettably I haven't journaled one page. The ends of the days are a jumbled debriefing of all the crazy thoughts of my heart to God before I crash. But the busy days are winding down...no more of this hurry and craziness I hope.

Last student recital...after 13 years. Over in a couple of hours. There was a lot of God's goodness to me in all these years. So much of His patience when I was so impatient. Lesson after lesson after lesson...not necessarily the ones I was teaching, but the ones He was constantly teaching me. So much of my heart tangled up in all these kiddos though...can I really let them go?

These past weeks...
It has been mountains and valleys, and quiet and clamor, and absolute overwhelmingness and indescribable peace, and darkness and light, and questions and answers...and sometimes questions and no answers...and joy and sorrow, and heaven and earth, and words and no words. (Mostly no words- but I think that is so that I will finally just be still and listen).
There have been certain daily pleadings for understanding- "Who am I?" and "Why me?" turned into "Who are You, Lord?".

It is beyond amazing...this work that God is doing from nation to nation, and peoples to peoples, and person to person.
And it is all a huge puzzle fitting together in my mind, the purposes God has for His people.
Nothing can stop or slow down or hinder or thwart God's plans for His light to go to all nations.
I love studying this...in God's Word and in History and in present events. Can you tell what my brain is full of? I just wish my heart could be more full of this. That I were more willing. That I would not fear an enormous task. That new, strange things weren't so scary.

(Just a random interjection here....but there is a blackbird on top of the birdhouse making the exact same screeching noise our back screen door makes when it opens) :P

The sunset is beautiful...and I am so in awe that I belong to the One who made it. What a privilege to belong to Him.

Do I know who I serve? Not nearly as well as I want to.
Do I marvel at my weakness vs. His "able"ness? Every day...this almost constantly overwhelms me.

Again, who am I? But then...who is my great God? How can I more greatly express Him? There are no words amazing enough.

"That Your way may be known..."

I have a journal that is filling up with exciting verses such as this:

Ps. 67:2 "That Your way may be known on earth, Your salvation among the nations."


Rev. 15:4 "For all the nations shall come and worship before You."


Ps. 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"


Rev.21:6 "I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts."


Rev. 11: 15 "The kingdoms of this world have become the kingdoms of our Lord and His Christ, and He shall reign forever and ever!"


Rev. 7:9 "Behold, a great multitude which no one could number, of all nations, tribes, peoples, and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb...crying out with a loud voice, saying, "Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!"

I love exclamation points in scripture! They just resound with praise to the King of Kings, and I greatly desire for my life to be like that- an exclamation point for the kingdom of God!

God is arming me with strength, and making my way perfect. I love that His way for me is perfect, and that He is not just sending me down this path to walk it alone- but that I can cling to His hand and let Him lead me the entire way. It is definitely not an easy path to take...each day I realize how surrounded I am on the right and left by the lies of the enemy and the comforts and temporary joys (even seemingly *good* things) that could be mine should I choose to forsake my Jesus and the difficult path ahead of me. I must be constantly watching, and keep my eyes on Him at all times.

Today I heard a report from a missionary in the capitol city of this country I hope to be living in soon. The people of this country are storytellers- it's part of their tradition. They love stories. The missionaries there are simply relating stories from God's word and then these stories are being taken to all their friends and family and being retold over and over again. One young man came to the missionary and said "I need you to tell me more stories so I can tell them to my friends!".

Hearing this gets me so excited. I love seeing how God is using my past several years of ministry to children as a catalyst for the gospel in a country where much of the openings for churches to be planted in new, unreached areas seems to be through doing simple Bible clubs with children. So far in this past month- three schools have asked native believers to come and teach weekly Bible classes to the children "because they love singing the songs and hearing the stories". These songs and stories then are brought home to their families, and when the native pastor connects with the families and talks about God the children then affirm everything the pastor has shared by saying that they, too, have already heard this and believe it!

Super, super exciting. :)

Something else that is a huge blessing to me right now is the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that though I may be one person that is available to go across the world to an unreached people group, I am not one- but the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ are desperately needed for the truth of the gospel to sweep across this entire country and for God's Kingdom purposes to be brought about in this country. Pray for laborers for the harvest. Pray for entire families and villages to be transformed by the gospel.  Pray for a church in every village. Pray for missionaries to someday (soon!) be sent out from this country to neighboring countries. Pray for the glory of God! Pray, and do not cease....that His way may be known in the earth!

Random pictures that make me smile...

Reflections on 2011

January-

It started out with a special prayer retreat alone at a cabin by a lake. I kept seeing a blank slate when it came to making plans/praying about the coming year. As much as I wanted to pray about certain things or certain opportunities, it was as if every time I lifted them up to Him, He would remove them. It was as if God was continually impressing on me that He had a brand new chapter to write for the coming year, and that every idea I had, or everything I wanted or desired to pray for, I must surrender to Him.

February was a challenging month in other ways. One friend starts courting, another loses a special friend to a tragic accident. And I am learning more and more what it means to depend on God in prayer.

Then came March. Oral surgery + complications= half a month sipping milkshakes, downing pain meds and not talking (which also meant no teaching). The other half was an exciting opportunity to help develop and execute some leadership training for future NCHEA Kids Conference Staff.

It was about this time that God was opening up the door for me to return once again to Cambodia, and to bring my youngest brother with me! God answered prayers and opened doors in incredible ways.

April- I don't exactly remember April.... partly because I think it turned out to be the most uneventful month of the year. God must have known I needed a less busy month before the rest of the year turned into a crazy whirlwind of activity. :)

May was the 10th anniversary of my very first student recital as a piano teacher. My first year with 5 students has grown to 35 students and a teaching studio in downtown Kearney. I can see how God has used these past ten years to teach me a lot of patience and perseverence. I'm sure I probably need another 10 years of endurance training...of all my students, I'm the worst when it comes to learning things quickly! ;)

June-

Extremely challenging. Enough said.

Oh and July too...

(those were some very difficult, painful months of surrender-but I see now how God was breaking me to prepare me for surrender to His greater plan for my life!)

By the grace of God, I made it to August and the much awaited trip to return to Cambodia. I sensed for an entire month leading up to it that God was directing me to pray and ask specifically for some very big things. I think at the time I was rather blind to the reality of what I was asking...or what He was asking of me.

I cannot forget that first hour after our arrival in Sompovloun. Such a deep peace, utter satisfaction, contentment and feeling of belonging...I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I could not believe my own heart. Had God kept my life in a turmoil these past few months just to make His point clear to me? 

That morning on the drive in, God had given me this verse from Jeremiah 16:21 "Therefore, behold, I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to know My hand and My might; And they shall know that My name is the Lord." I had such a deep desire to see God's glory shine throughout Western Cambodia...and my heart wanted so badly to be there and see it happen. These were my people.

On the 24th of this month, we said goodbye to our sister and saw her board the plane for Russia for the next few years. Family reunions are going to be pretty special events in the future. God knows when we will all be together again!

September- I returned home, and prayed and cried for an entire month (this is fact ;). It was very, very difficult to be so far away from my heart. I don't know how to say that in a way that doesn't make it sound purely emotional... But I wasn't really "here". I thought maybe it was just reverse culture shock, but it's been four months and I still haven't recovered.
Turning my life upside down and inside out. Giving up everything I had every known. Surrendering the things I had placed security in. I was willing.... by the grace of God.

October- It's that month when everyone else gets married or engaged or something special happens to your bestest friends and they get magically carried away into the sunset. I've always wondered if October would hold something special for me- and sure enough, it did! ;) The very last day of the month (I know it was the last day, because I was holding out for that reminder from God that He did, indeed, still have the pen in hand and was yet writing in this interesting (crazy, I thought!) chapter of the story of my life.) It was a letter....a letter of invitation to return to this place where my heart had seemingly decided to stay. "Years??" It was a momentary splash of reality. Had I really been so bold to ask for this, and yet hardly believing it would ever come true? It was the second very clear, very specific answer to prayer God had given me regarding this. 

November-
In which I prayed much regarding this new path God seemed to be directing me toward, and helped get a dear friend married. It was a very fun, very exciting, very busy month.

December-
Chock full of Christmas music performances, students and other various activities. I treasured a week of Christmas vacation with my grandparents and other extended family. There were a few moments when I accidentally allowed my mind to wonder if this might be my last Christmas celebration with some of the dearest people on earth. (For awhile, perhaps... so many unknowns!) And so I had a few meltdowns, but most of all tried to cherish each moment.

And here I am. Tomorrow is a new year, and I know Who I am walking with through it. There are a lot of unknowns ahead. I do feel like God has asked me to jump off a cliff. But this quote I shared not long ago lingers in my mind. "Trained faith is a triumphant gladness in having nothing but God...." I know that I can take this leap of faith in full confidence that my God's purposes are being worked out in it.

Every day, every situation, 

every joy, every sadness, 

every decision, every step taken,

every word, every smile, every victory-for His glory!

Thinking of my brothers and sisters in Christ in Burma on this Christmas Eve...

A Silent Night in Burma

A Passion for the Impossible

"Are all things- even the treasures that God has sanctified- held loosely, ready to be parted with, without struggle, when He asks for them?"

"The things that are impossible with men are possible with God. May it not be that the human impossibility is just the very things that sets His hand free? - And that it is the things which are possible for us to do that He is in a measure to let alone."

"Trained faith is a triumphant gladness in having nothing but God- no rest, no foothold... nothing but Himself.

A triumphant gladness in swinging out into that abyss,

rejoicing in a very fresh emergency that is going to prove Him true- the Lord alone...that is trained faith."

"Let us dare to test God's resources...

Let us ask Him to kindle in us and keep aflame 

that passion for the impossible... till the day when shall see it transformed into a fact."

~all quotes by Lilias Trotter from

"A Passion for the Impossible" and "Parables of the Cross"

I see happy, healthy children today...and my mind flashes back to a week ago- the begging child at my elbow as I sat waiting for the rest of the group to arrive at Sasaydah. The thin arms of the little girl at my sewing table. The baby with head to toe eczema. My sweet little friend from last year with a serious abcess, and her parents unable to afford the 1,000 reole (25 cents) to register at the hospital for her to get free medical attention.

Here, I eat three meals a day-and rarely the same thing twice in one week. I remember the one meal of rice a day the children in the village usually get-if that.

I hear the beautiful, heart-wrending prayers of the Khmer believers and remember at the moment realizing how many of them truly must pray and trust God for provision and sustenance from one day to the next. I see how beautifully content and joyful they are.

I went to Walmart today...and saw shelves and shelves of food. And everyone in there could afford at least a weeks worth.

Tonight I am not sleeping on a rock hard mattress with a dense pillow of coconut fiber...or a pallet on raised wooden slats.

In spite of my soft bed, I cannot sleep. It's 3am, and I am praying here. There it's 3pm, and if it's Sunday the believers are meeting for worship and there are at least 60 beautiful, dark faces and smiles under the Sunday School shelter chanting Scripture verses they have memorized.

Here, I can go for a walk wherever I like. I do not fear getting blown to pieces by land mines.

I do not have a father who is drunk, a mother in the hospital, and brothers who are mentally deranged/possessed. My parents do not beat me at night if I do not work hard enough to bring home a decent amount of cash to gamble away the following day.
My home is not in danger of being bulldozed to pieces tomorrow with nowhere to go and no compensation for the loss...

Contrast. It's black and white.

"I fear leaving here, never to return, back to America where life is comfortable and one is not constantly surrounded by the maimed, the blind, the imprisoned, the hungry, the lost, the hurting. It is difficult to not feel completely rebellious at the thought of leaving this place. My heart is taken..." Cambodia Journal, Tuesday, August 14th

The most beautiful children in all the world...

July update...

I seem to have made a habit of writing a monthly update post, and as I neared the end of this month I sort of felt obligated to write something, since it is nearing the end of July and last time I updated was...nearly two months ago!
 I love writing, I do. There are times I need to write. And I guess one of those times is now...though it made for a deep post that maybe does me good, but no one else. So, if my “deep” blog posts have a tendency to make your head hurt...not that I ever intend that...feel free to spend your time more profitably. :P

One more disclaimer... As I write I want to magnify who God is in my life, and though I am writing about myself and my current experiences I hope it draws you to see His work and to praise Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So...here goes.
The story of my life of late is:

1.Not easy to talk about

2.Beyond my understanding

That's all I can think of to sum up the past few weeks. I don't understand even now how the struggle started, or what it was that removed joy so far out of my reach. I do not know "why", or "what" or "how" I so suddenly found myself in the middle of the wilderness, spiritually. I do not see where God is taking me in this. But it was eight weeks ago that I went on a walk, to talk with God alone-and He so clearly turned my thoughts to think of Jesus walking to Gethsemene and praying...and the impression God left with me that day was that I must walk alone, and that He was about to bring deep testing into my life.

I am so thankful for the way He lovingly prepared my heart for what He intended to bring me through for my good and for His glory. It was that walk and talk with God that I have continually looked back on these past few weeks and thought “It's okay, this is in God's plan...”

It's been outward testing in some ways-scorn and mockery I've never really had to experience before as a result of standing against a very hurtful thing in our community- but mostly it's been a test of my heart. Visibly no one else would see it or know. It was a complete stripping away of things my heart trusted in that weren't the things of God, though they seemed to be all "good" things. Friendship, fellowship, church, marriage, children, family, music, mission work...
I used to think that these were areas I had placed on the "alter" for Christ to have Lordship over. But this time God allowed me to experience the reality of seeing life completely without any of these things-and would I still love Him? Would I still be content? Would I praise Him? These things in my life had not been truly surrendered to Him. Circumstances had not ever really, truly taken these things away. I had never experienced it in such a real way before. It was very painful.

I guess it's a natural thing when you find yourself slipping off the edge of a cliff to struggle to get to safety...but one night as I was struggling and dealing with a horrible, overwhelming feeling of aloneness and asking God why I couldn't find any joy in life whatsoever, where was He, where was relief from all this craziness, and what on earth brought me to this place anyway? I was desperate to calm my mind...it had been such an insane whirlwind of crazy thoughts that just seemed to go through completely unchecked no matter how hard I tried to pray and stop the inundating, clamorous chaos in my head. It was then that I sensed His very firm “Be still...”. With all my struggling my Shepherd could not rescue me or bring me to safety. I was more in danger of pitching myself headlong over the cliff with all my struggle to escape this testing God had allowed in my life. This picture startled my mind and heart into silence, and I finally felt as if I could rest and wait for Him...even in this darkness.

“Be still...and know that I am God.”

When this series of testing started I was determined to learn as much from it as I could. But any strength of my own was short lived...and at first I was so frustrated that I couldn't endure or hold myself up through just a few days or weeks of this. I mean, some of my brothers and sisters in Christ across the world have been suffering and imprisoned and had to deal with aloneness and loss for the sake of Christ for years upon years. Surely, I could too.

But surely I shouldn't...in my own strength, without Christ.

I realize this is nothing unusal in the life of a Christian. This is humbling, it's painful...but it's good. It is so strange to be stripped of all hopes and dreams and plans, but I know now that it is so Christ can fill all of me. Not just some of my life. All of it. For His glory. And I pray He will...and that I would not stubbornly cling to any of these things in my life, but only to Him.

And that is the story of my life right now. I don't know what the end will be to this chapter in my life. I wanted to write the ending to it days ago... I wanted to tear the chapter out and just start over! But I am thankful God knows...and that He does have a plan. This life I live is not in vain. I have never felt more comforted knowing that.

July 6, 2011

"My hands hold a pilgrim's staff,

My march is Zionward,

My eyes are toward the coming of the Lord,

My heart is in Thy hands without reserve..."

-"Journeying On" from "The Valley of Vision"

Girls in pink dresses...

In which the girls raid Kristin's hope chest and find it full of pretty dresses... 

And they just had to try them on!

 And take pictures in them...

 And pretend and wish they could wear such dresses every single day...

June 5, 2011

Thoughts:

~I have been thinking about these "valleys" in my life and my attitude in the midst of trials and wondering...if I were to find myself imprisoned or suffering for my faith and the cause of Christ in some way-would these same attitudes carry over? What I experience today may seem traumatic enough to beg for God's rescuing mercy...but then I think of things that could be much, much more difficult and painful. Learning to rejoice in this small difficulty will prepare me for something much greater. If God led me into this valley, why am I begging Him to bring me out? If He led me in, I can trust He has a reason for it, and I can trust He will lead me out in His timing. Meanwhile I need to "stay in the valley" and learn everything God would have me to learn, with joy and not complaint, because this is what brings Him glory.

~I thought today of eternity with my King. I thought of the joy of communion with Him even now-such a small glimpse of Heaven- and how I have access to the throne of grace through Christ. I can come to Him without words, and He understands my heart in a way I do not.

~I need to learn to think more on today and to "take no thought for tomorrow". Today, God has called me bear His glory. Tomorrow's troubles are none of my business.

~I think the white columbine flowers outside my window are the sweetest reminder of God's forgiveness and making us perfect and pure for His glory.

~I think evening walks are the best time for thinking.

~Do I think too much? ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sooo, now that we have those weighty thoughts off my mind-how about a June update? Or make that "random, scattered remembrances from the past few weeks of craziness".

~As of last week, all tickets for Ben and I to Cambodia were funded and purchased! God has provided in amazing (could I say miraculous?) ways. It has been such an incredible thing to stand back and watch in awe as God has opened the door and said once again "this is the way, walk in it". I am thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have generously given and purposed to pray for the spread of the gospel in this country. You are a blessing beyond measure in my life. I pray God's glory through your work of prayer here while Ben and I go to do whatever it is that God has called us to!

~May 20th was my Spring studio recital. This year marks the 10th anniversary of my very first student recital. Twenty-six of my thirty students participated in a very fun evening of music-making with ice cream after to celebrate. One evening made the past 10+ years worth it.

They make me smile.

I might post video sometime...then you will smile too. ;)

~Over memorial weekend we drove out to Indy visit my brother John. Monday the 30th found us driving 13 hrs home only for Ben and I to jump back into a car and go on a 5 hr storm chase. First big storm of the season here in NE. It was a great storm, and Ben has some pictures and video footage up on TCS.

~This past week I started my summer schedule at the studio... I find myself teaching twenty-six students this summer- mainly beginning piano, violin and cello! Hmm...farewell sweet dreams of a restful summer! My life is made up of lots of fun little people though, and I'm lovin' them.

~We have a summer goal of building a gazebo in our backyard this summer. It's a sibling project I guess-funded by all of Ben's credit to Menards. (just kidding ;)

~Alas, all other interesting facts and happenings from this past month seem to be forgotten history in my brain right now. :P

Until next time...

Indy

Some of my family took a whirlwind trip to Indianapolis to visit my brother this past weekend. We drove there Friday and returned on Monday. Originally the plan was to leave my mom there for a week to help my brother after his surgery, but his surgery was rescheduled to next week so she will take a second trip to Indy to stay with him. I am so, very glad for this time spent with my brother. We all love him very much, and have missed him a lot.

 This is the view from the top of John's highrise apartment. The Indy training center is on the same street that he lives on. Driving by the training center brought back a lot of memories from years past. It's hard to believe it's been ten years since my sis and I attended Sound Foundations there together...!
~~~~~



On Saturday we visited the Indiana Historical Society museum. Very neat place. The clock in this picture was actually moving back in time. We learned about all the famous people and happenings in Indiana history, and then walked from there to see the Capitol in downtown Indy.





Major wide angle shot, but the doors on the Capitol building were pretty amazing.



In spite of his torn ACL, John still managed to give us a walking tour of downtown.



It really was a fun photo opportunity. We found a lot of neat churches and cathedrals and cool architecture to shoot.

Ben will probably do a blog post on  TCS eventually.



At the Scottish Rite Cathedral...
~~~~~



Sunday, after church, we went to a park near the IUPUI campus where my brother is going to school.



We took some family pictures, minus Vanessa. She had to stay home because of work...



Before we said our goodbyes Sunday night, we took some pictures at this beautiful church across the street from John's apartment.





I am thankful for all the special family memories packed into one little weekend.

I'm thankful for prayers answered, rays of hope, encouragement from believers at a church we visited.

I'm thankful for my brother John. I love and miss him very much.

What is prayer?

"Prayer is the pouring out of the soul to God;

 not the pouring out of words,

nor the pouring out of expressions;

but the pouring out of the soul to God."

            

 -William Bridge "A Lifting Up for the Downcast" c.1649

May 7, 2011

Today I abandoned my duties inside to capture some of the beautiful handiwork of my Creator...

I love such perfect beauty, such brilliance of color and intricacy of design...

These phrases from favorite hymns sing in my heart:

"Each little flower that opens,

   Each little bird that sings,

               He made their glowing colors,

               He made their tiny wings..."

"This is my Father's world, the birds their carols raise, The morning light, the lily white,

Declare their Maker's praise."

"Lord, how Thy wonders are displayed where e'er I turn my eye..."

"There's not a plant or flower below, but makes Thy glory known..."

~~~

Here's a tour of the rest of the Tillotson Botanical Gardens. :)

 We have this funny little 2 dimensional apple tree we bought for our mom for Mother's Day last year.

You have to see it. The blossoms smell so sweet, and the bumblebees love it.

 Bleeding Heart in abundance...



 Stop to smell the lilacs...it will make your day.

 And we have these sweet little pansy faces peeking out of pots all over our front porch.

 I remember watching my Daddy crank ice cream by hand in this old ice-cream bucket

some twenty years ago...

 Vanessa and Heidi get the credit for all the pretty things that grow in the yard. ;) This is the first time I will spend a summer mostly at home in about 12 years, so am actually looking forward to getting to work in the gardens...even if it is pulling weeds!

 "Miss Kwistin, I picked a dandylion for you...you can eat it on a sandwich!" (Elijah, age 4-next time he 'grows bigger' he'll be five! ;)

~~~

Yesterday I was reading "Annika's Secret Wish" with Celine. That night the girls decided they wanted their hair done Swedish style, like Annika or Kirsten the American Girl. :)

♥My sweet girls ♥

It's been a busy month, and I have missed spending time with them!

~~~

Last week, Heidi and I took a trip out to Denver to see Itzhak Perlman in concert and

visit our friends! My brothers came out for the weekend, and we packed a lot of fun into our short little reunion! Sarah has posted some fun and crazy pictures of our Morgillotson reunion over on her blog. ;) View at your own risk!

My Sis and I before the concert...

Not only is it a lot of fun to visit our friends, but the blessing of fellowship with them as brothers and sisters in Christ is pretty much amazing. Love you guys!

~~~

Another really memorable thing about this past month was a road trip my sisters and I took to visit grandparents and a friend in Missouri. This may be the last opportunity in a long while to do something like this as sisters, and that just made us treasure the experience even more.

 A very special couple of days were spent with my grandparents in Joplin, Missouri.

 Visiting Michelle at New Tribes Mission Training Center.

 Vanessa and Michelle spent several years serving the Lord together in Moscow, Russia. God is calling both of them to return to missions, and it was a very sweet weekend of fellowship.

We experienced a beautiful taste of Spring in the Ozarks while the rest of our family was stuck back home in a good ol' Nebraska snowstorm. ;)

~~~

About a month ago God brought about clear direction that I should return to Cambodia in August,

and this time with my brother Ben! The way God answered a prayer for confirmation that Ben should go too is just an amazing story. Ask to hear it sometime. :) God's ways are truly higher than I can ever comprehend.

I can hardly wait to see my brothers and sisters in Christ in Sompovloun. They are precious to me, and it has been such a privilege to pray for them throughout this year.

Please pray for God's glory to shine as we trust Him for provision, as we go where He leads us, as we love as He has loved us...

~~~